A Deconstruction Chronicle: An Anonymous Witness

I’ve seen the question posted on Twitter, “How does the patriarchy harm men.” The Harrison Butker commencement speech is a perfect example of this. The problem with saying that for a woman they should be most excited about marriage and becoming a wife and mother is that it makes marriage and starting a family not something done out of love, but out of obligation.

I was married for 13 years and there were times when things seemed off, but being in the evangelical machine we never had honest conversations, but just said the right words and applied Scripture bandaids over our conflicts. There were times when I didn’t feel like a husband, but a glorified butler. The problem with when I mentioned this is it became about me equating the love my wife has for me as a feeling and not an action or a commitment. When wife and homemaker is a vocation, being a lover is something you do and not what you feel towards your spouse.

When we divorced it was the first time we had the honest conversation where I was told that she didn’t truly love me. She wanted to be a wife and mother and thought that eventually she would learn to love me. When we tell women that being a wife and mother is their highest calling then they do not marry for love. Some marriages are able to survive this, but many don’t. In her words exactly, “Our marriage was built on a faulty foundation,” that faulty foundation is the diabolical lie that Harrison Butker proclaimed during his commencement speech.

In an email that my wife sent me when she came to the realization that we weren’t compatible she said:

I thought just like any formula, you commit yourself, say your vows, do the all the "good" wife things, pop a few babies out, and real love will flow from that place.  The problem is, it never did for me, this crushed me.  What you have seen of me these last 12 years is me being crushed under the weight of trying to sustain something that probably shouldn't have been sustained.  Then the worst of it all was I began to associate my worth as a child of God on how well I was performing as your wife.  I was constantly feeling like I failed you, and then I would feel so condemned before God.

What Butker is espousing is a formulaic pattern that may work for some, but for others it becomes a crushing burden that leads to condemnation. Where the Spirit of the Lord there is freedom to make individual choices. Butker does not give women that autonomy, but instead says that anything other than what he believes is a diabolical lie. This is harmful to relationships because instead of being real people it makes Christians wonder how they can do what the church is telling them to do, even if it means not being true to themselves. A patriarchal message like this hurts men because in efforts to find someone to build a lasting relationship with, they can instead find someone who wants to pursue a calling. 

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This chronicle was submitted by an individual who would like to remain anonymous. If you would like to share your story, you can contact me at ournomadicsouls@gmail.com.

All my heart, Meg.